ME!!!

I have been restless and a bit lonely this week. (Nothing bad! Really!!!) I am just getting used to living alone. I've never lived alone before and while the freedom to do as I like is nice, I am not used to it. I figured that maybe casting on for a new project for ME might help with that. Not that I don't have a ton of projects on the needles already, but there are a few I am considering frogging, and I am not really in the mood to work on the others. Casting on for this hat last night did help me feel a bit calmer and happier about having time to myself, but it also helped in another way that I couldn't have predicted.

I bought this yarn (Berroco Ultra Alpaca) last winter with the intentions of making booties for some friends. Obviously, that never happened. So the skein sat in the stash basket. Call me weird, but I really like the color brown - its just such a soft, comfy color. And its Alpaca (and wool)!!! I kept looking at it and trying to figure out what to do with it. Well, work was slow yesterday so I was poking around for patterns on Ravelry - I searched by yarn properties and Garmisch popped up. It's been in my queue forever, about time I get to making it! And even though I love my slouchy blue hat, I deserve more than one hat to pick from - I am a knitter, damnit, and I am an awesome knitter - time to make something really funky for myself!

I grabbed the skein, and popped it onto my brand new swift (my brother got it for me for Xmas! best brother EVAR!) and started winding. This is going to sound dumb and melodramatic, but it was one of those moments where I was able to take a step back and see just how much my life has changed and just how good those changes are for me. Because there I was winding my yarn in the room that used to be STBX's office, a room that used to get me eyerolls, sighs and cranky faces if I walked into it or even stood in the door. Most of the contents of that room left with him, but for almost 10 years, it was his domain, and for the last year it has been a place where I have not been welcome. But I am reclaiming the room - making it into my space. When I got the swift (its a beautiful wooden umbrella swift) I decided I wanted to have it up permanently, the only logical place was in that room. When he left, it made room for the real me to come back. It also made room to surround myself with things that I love. So there I was - in that moment it changed from "the room that used to be his office" to "my sitting room." I am now aching to get some art on the walls and complete the transformation!

Needs to be said ...

Well, if you are reading this, chances are this is not news to you - my husband and I are getting a divorce. We dated for 10 years before we got married, lived together for 5 of those, but we couldn’t make it to the 5 year wedding anniversary – I am heartbroken. I hate that our marriage couldn't work. I hate that every vision I had for my future is now off the table. Its confusing and painful, but ultimately for the best. It's still kind of a shock to me.

In the past year I made two things for him – I was very pleased with the way they came out. He did take them with him when he left – not sure if he uses them or not, but they were awesome and deserve some mention. I was very proud of both - I did excellent work and the intended recipient shouldn't taint that. Those socks were made to match a sweater I used to love seeing him wear - a great cranberry color that went so well with his dark hair and brown eyes. I think taking this picture was the only time he ever put these socks on. He says that they were tight. I offered to make another pair, he declined the offer. When he was packing to leave I came across them and told him that if he didn't want them it was okay, he should leave them. but he wanted them. I know better than to read anything into that - I doubt its sentimental ... he didn't want any pictures or mementos from our 15 years together. But I remember being so thrilled picking out the yarn (they were the second pair of socks I ever made - I used Cascade 220 superwash), I remember knitting them and being excited about giving them to him - they remind me of better times. They remind me of how much I loved him.

The other item was a hat - its made of Malabrigo Silky Merino in the colorway Smoke. I saw it at the LYS and fell in love with it. And he was there when I found it - it was a nice day together, actually. We had just coming from one of his doctors appointments and we stopped in at the LYS on the way home (I needed some yarny love.) He was patient and sweet while I poked around - everyone there was jealous of the awesome husband who was smiling and pleasant and even encouraging me to get more yarn. The first skein I bought I made the Odessa hat with - it had spiraling ribs. It was made for him, but it turned out a bit femme (IMO). He happily wore it nonetheless, but I thought he deserved something a little more his style. In the past he loved my knits and always complimented my work - I wanted something really special for him. So I got another skein and started work on this Cousteau cap. I started it when things were still good, but by the time I finished, things were really bad. I stopped working on it because I used to knit things for people only when I was feeling happy about them, but there just weren't enough good times to get it finished. i still wanted him to have it though. When it came off the needles, just a few weeks before we decided to separate, he thanked me for it and tried it on. When we separated he mentioned that it would be good - he needed a warm hat. He forgot to take it with him when he left, but when he came back for more stuff I had the hat in his pile and he asked "Am I supposed to take this?" Um, yeah. I almost snatched it back, but no - it was for him, I was proud of it and I hope it keeps him warm.

So there it is. Part of me wants those items back - doesn't want him to have their comfort, is worried that they are not comforting and are going unused and unloved. The other part of me hopes that he will use them, love them and think of better times between us when he wears them. But they are his now, to do with as he pleases.

Its been a long time!

Wow - my last post was over a year ago! That Starghan? Finished! The baby it was destined for? Born! (Healthy and adorable!) Here they are together! LOL

I started this blog to keep better track of my projects, but my life got a bit hectic ... right around the time I stopped posting. But I am determined to get past all of that and get back to doing the things I love. A wonderful woman (a talented fiber artist, fine artist and potter herself!) gave me the kick in the pants I needed to get back on track with this.

I am not sure where I am taking this ... there will probably be some retro posts (I slowed down with the knitting, but didn't stop - there are projects that aren't even mentioned here!) and some new things that are on the needles as we speak! Getting back here is a big step in getting my life back to normal - thank you, M, for reminding me we are on a journey and its time for me to get moving!!!